mmmm

from Jamie of course

11

Listen! I will be honest with you,

I do not offer the old smooth prizes, but offer rough new prizes,

these are the days that must happen to you:

You shall not heap up what is call'd riches,

You shall scatter with lavish hand all that you earn or achieve,

You but arrive at the city to which you were destin'd, you hardly

settle yourself to satisfaction before you are call'd by an

irresistible call to depart,

You shall be treated to the ironical smiles and mockings of those

who remain behind you,

What beckonings of love you receive you shall only answer with

passionate kisses of parting,

You shall not allow the hold of those who spread their reach'd hands

toward you.

Walt Witman, Leaves of Grass

signs for courage

Matins

You want to know how I spend my time?

I walk the front lawn pretending

to be weeding. You ought to know

I'm never weeding, on my knees, pulling

clumps of clover from the flower beds: in fact

I'm looking for courage, for some evidence

my life will change, though

it takes forever, checking

each clump for the symbolic

leaf, and soon the summer is ending, already

the leaves turning, always the sick trees

going first, the dying turning

brilliant yellow, while a few dark birds perform

their curfew of music. You want to see my hands?

As empty now as at the first note.

Or was the point always

to continue without a sign?

Louise Gluck

Beer!

now that I am gone

so they say

Maybe they're right, maybe the grass is always greener on the other side. Or maybe hindsight really is 20-20. Most likely, though, change is just plain confusing, and clinging to fleeting stability and idealized pasts is the brain's way to rationalize self-doubt.

The last few (6 or so) months in LA I was antsy. I'd landed in Los Angeles after college pretty comfortably. I'd come home. Found a job. Built a routine. A life. I was happy. Enough. But there was a persistent sneaking unease that I was letting myself down. A year earlier I had grandiose dreams of traveling the world but there I was, living in my parents house, in the city I grew up, with a daily desk job. Still, I'd made the city my own anew, was doing the exact work I'd wanted, and was surrounded by those I loved.

Alas, I needed to give something else a shot. As much I do so love LA, I was restless, with one foot out the door.

Contrary (hypocritically even?) to what I've always thought I felt about the whole LA vs NY debate...here I am now. New York City. Sure, it's no Tangier or Istanbul or Belem. But it's a whole new place for me. And I'm giving it a shot.

Of course these last 3 weeks have been riddled with confusion, uncertainty, and (surprise) near paralyzing self-doubt...maybe I was right from the start and this city's not for me.

But maybe not. Maybe most important after all....nothing ventured nothing gained?

Some wise encouragement from my mother: